Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
