I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
