someone threw a dead crab at me
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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