please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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