i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
