just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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