It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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