Apparently you make a good broom.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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