Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
