Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
