when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
