Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
