yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
