Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Randomize
