I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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