I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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