How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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