and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
