My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
