so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
