i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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