3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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