Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
