I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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