Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
