Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
FUCK WHALES
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