I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
