I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
