i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Buhtt sex?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
