Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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