Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
