I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
