I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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