it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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