I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
