New invention idea: vibrating tampons
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
