I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
