Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
