Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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