does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
