anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
