she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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