I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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