this beer tastes like vomit already
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
