I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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