today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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