He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
