Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
