I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
