Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
