im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Ladies don't puke and tell
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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