dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
