take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
