Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
