Do you still have your period?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
