she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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