I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
