just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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