Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
